The Wanderings of a Babbling Mind

So be patient with me as I allow my mind to sift through thoughts I have not allowed myself to consider for some time. My mind trying to breach the wall that I have built between my heart and my thoughts and so a wall between ME and YOU. It may be a slow and difficult journey and we may have some casualties, but I hope that we can all make it through together.

My previous post about my struggles barely touched on what is going on inside of me, so I thought I would take a bit to explain more clearly (as much as is possible for one to do when still wading through an endless sea of confused thoughts).

I have friends. I have great friends, and they are a HUGE blessing to me. I have a couple of close friends back home as well as some here at GCTS. They have been an encouragement and source of strength to me on more occasions than can be recalled by the human mind. And I believe that there have been times that I have been blessed to be able to encourage them as well. I love my friends and feel very loved by them.

I am still figuring things out, but I believe that my greatest obstacle right now, is me. I have avoided being truly honest with myself on so many levels, that in effect I have not been completely open and honest with YOU. And by "completely" I mean within the guidelines of a godly woman, and not "completely" in the sense of a lose lipped blab who can't seem to decipher what is wise to share and what isn't (and in case anyone is feeling the least bit defensive, no I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular).

I need to take the time to think and to exam where I am with God and with others. Have I REALLY spent time WITH God or am I just reading my Bible, think some words to Him, and writing a few simple thoughts into a book I call a journal? Have I REALLY thought about where I am with life and the situations I find myself in everyday? Have I REALLY shared my hearts desires, cries and fears with those God has put into my life? Have I allowed others into my world in a way that allows them the freedom to share their heart? Have I loved as Christ loves me?

Last night after sharing my scratching the surface thoughts, I pondered why those songs I shared have touched me so much. I began to question our choice of church here in New England and whether I was being negatively effected by the church style, as it is so different from what we have been used to back home. I was wrong.

This morning I allowed myself to engage in service, be-it-ever-so-slightly, and found that the problem wasn't with the church, but once again with me. Yes, I don't enjoy singing nothing but hymns. Yes, I struggle my way through the rehearsed nature of the "traditional" style of worship. Yes, I find myself going through motions far too often on Sunday mornings. However, these things should not prevent me from worshiping. I should not allow my likes and dislikes to determine whether or not I serve my God. I should not keep from connecting with Him, purely because "I don't know the song". It is in those moments that I must choose to close my eyes and listen with my heart. God had mercy on my this morning, and gave me comfort in a familiar and very need song to worship Him to, "How Deep the Father's Love For Us".

I will leave you with the words to ponder for yourself:

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son,
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searching loss,
The Father turns his face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life,
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,
No gifts, no pow'rs, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ,
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.

(Stuart Townend)

Or if you prefer to listen

Mermaids

Lizzie wants to know,
"how do you know if a mermaid is crying,
if they live in water?"

The Lonely Extravert

I am shy.

Okay, that is not entirely true. I have spent more of my life silent and observing, than socializing and engaging. I was so quiet in high school that even most of my teachers forgot my name and who I was once I finished their course. With the start of college I decided it was a great opportunity to "find the new me". I pushed myself to use my voice and not be a turtle, hiding every time I sensed tension in the air. I had previously had only a handful of friends, but then as I began to talk, I felt that number multiplying and I felt myself getting uncomfortable and backing away from the less close relationships. Unfortunately I probably missed out on really getting to know some wonderful people, all out of fear.
Today I realized that I have done it again.
Our time here at GCTS has been far from what we expected. The last year in particular was beyond trying. Now looking back, I see that I reverted back to my old, turtle-like ways and have hidden from friendships to protect myself. I have been defeated by fear. Fear of loneliness. Fear of the pain that comes from sharing your life with others. Fear of people seeing me, and knowing me. Fear of feeling.
I have let these fears defeat me and my ability to love others. I have allowed fear to control my life and my choices. I have invited fear to comfort me and guide me, to fill me up, to make me me...only not me, but some lesser version of who God intended me to be. And in return I have left little room for friends. Little room for loving relationships. Little room to feel joy, pain, rejoicing, anger or peace. Little room to be completely His.
I have numbed myself and my life, "feeling" and "being" in small increments that seem "comfortable" and "manageable". Being more concerned about perception and appearance, than reality and truth.

I need to change. I need to be molded and chiseled.

It will hurt. It will be excruciating. I will cry. I will wince in anguish. But I WILL FEEL.

I have the next year to get to know and love my family here at GCTS a little better. It overwhelms me to think about how I can impact and love others, just as it overwhelms me to consider how little I know My Father. LORD give me strength, peace and patience as I pursue you and your love, as I pursue your people and try to love them well.

I leave you with a couple of older songs that reflect our constant need for Him.

Back to the Back

So Allen's back has been bad since I have known him. However, a year and a half ago he did something to really mess it up and ended up with 2 herniated discs. He recently decided that it was not going to get better despite the physical therapy, cortisone shot and exercises he had/has been doing. He got another MRI which showed he now has 3 herniated discs. Tuesday we went and met with a surgeon who confirmed that surgery would indeed relieve the leg pain caused by his herniated disc(s).

He is scheduled for August 20th, at which point he will have the problem disc (apparently the other two aren't causing any of his pain) "scooped out". This is their simplest and most common surgery, with a 95% chance that he would NOT be back with this same problem (at least not at this disc). Pray for all of us, as this will mean tough recovery for Allen and challenges for myself and the girls as we assist him in his day to day functioning.

He will not be able to lift anything for a week and then no more than a bag of groceries or a laptop for 6 weeks. After that no more than 15 pounds for another 6 weeks. It will be a slow process as that means he will be unable to lift ANY of our children, since even Gracie will be too big by then.

He will be able to hold them once they have been carefully placed on his lap, but as you could imagine, this will be a HUGE challenge for all of us. We appreciate all your prayers in regard to this whole process!

Tie Dye

We (okay I) wanted to do something different for Lizzie's birthday party this year. So after much thinking and planning, we ended up having the kids tie dye shirts using blueberry juice. Here are the girls in their finished shirts (Lizzie's had the ice cream cone on it already..since she is the birthday girl):

She's 4

I cannot believe our little Lizzie is 4 years old.

Monday was her birthday party and we all had a great time. Lizzie especially enjoyed the animal game where she had to guess which animal all the kids were pretending to be.

We are so blessed to have such a sweet and kind little girl leading the Hutchison girl pack. She is a delight in so many ways, especially as it pertains to her loving relationship with both her sisters. I can't wait to see what God has in store for her. Whatever it is, I know she will rise to the challenge and shine even brighter with Him shining through her. May she know Him soon, and serve Him always.

I love you Lizzie girl!

Weights and Measures

So I started doing Weight Watchers again (as I have after each pregnancy thus far). It is going well and I have a new accountability partner, which is great! I was getting out the scale to let my new WW buddy compare it to hers. When I got it home the girls were very excited to use it too.
The first of the girls stepped up and onto the scale, 33 lbs.
The next little girl stepped up and did the same, 32.5 lbs.
The first child decided to have a second try, 32.5 lbs.

That's right, our big girls are almost the same weight and almost the same height, no wonder people are always asking if our girls are twins!

Vacuuming

The following conversation took place this morning, when the two older girls were watching the campus crew mow the grass.

Ellie: Why is that man vacuuming the grass?
Lizzie (without skipping a beat and as matter of fact as an almost 4 year old could possibly be): Because the grass is all dirty!

How Effective Are YOU?

“If you read history you will find
that the Christians who did most for the present world
were precisely those who thought most of the next.
It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world
that they have become so ineffective in this.”
-C.S. Lewis

2 months check-up and check-in

Today was Gracie's 2 months check-up. She passed with flying colors and even wrapped the doctor around her little pinky by smiling and cooing at him as he examined her. Maybe she was being sweet or maybe she was responding to his comment that, "she could be a baby model", either way, it was very cute to watch.
Here are the stats:
Head circumference- 15 inches (45% for her age)
Weight -------------- 10 lbs. 11 oz. (55% for her age)
Height---------------23 inches (75% for her age)

So average head and weight, but on the taller side of life for now.

Updated Note: I forgot to mention when I first posted this that it was also a big shot day for Malina Grace (two in one leg, and a 3-in-1 in the other). Needless to say this led to a very fussy and generally unhappy baby (who is generally very laid back). Here is Lizzie's take on things:

Lizzie: Why is Malina crying?
Daddy: She got shots in her legs today and they are hurting her.
Lizzie (sympathetically): Oh, right, because babies don't get lollipops.

So apparently that sucker they give the girls after their shots does the trick! Who knew!