So be patient with me as I allow my mind to sift through thoughts I have not allowed myself to consider for some time. My mind trying to breach the wall that I have built between my heart and my thoughts and so a wall between ME and YOU. It may be a slow and difficult journey and we may have some casualties, but I hope that we can all make it through together.
My previous post about my struggles barely touched on what is going on inside of me, so I thought I would take a bit to explain more clearly (as much as is possible for one to do when still wading through an endless sea of confused thoughts).
I have friends. I have great friends, and they are a HUGE blessing to me. I have a couple of close friends back home as well as some here at GCTS. They have been an encouragement and source of strength to me on more occasions than can be recalled by the human mind. And I believe that there have been times that I have been blessed to be able to encourage them as well. I love my friends and feel very loved by them.
I am still figuring things out, but I believe that my greatest obstacle right now, is me. I have avoided being truly honest with myself on so many levels, that in effect I have not been completely open and honest with YOU. And by "completely" I mean within the guidelines of a godly woman, and not "completely" in the sense of a lose lipped blab who can't seem to decipher what is wise to share and what isn't (and in case anyone is feeling the least bit defensive, no I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular).
I need to take the time to think and to exam where I am with God and with others. Have I REALLY spent time WITH God or am I just reading my Bible, think some words to Him, and writing a few simple thoughts into a book I call a journal? Have I REALLY thought about where I am with life and the situations I find myself in everyday? Have I REALLY shared my hearts desires, cries and fears with those God has put into my life? Have I allowed others into my world in a way that allows them the freedom to share their heart? Have I loved as Christ loves me?
Last night after sharing my scratching the surface thoughts, I pondered why those songs I shared have touched me so much. I began to question our choice of church here in New England and whether I was being negatively effected by the church style, as it is so different from what we have been used to back home. I was wrong.
This morning I allowed myself to engage in service, be-it-ever-so-slightly, and found that the problem wasn't with the church, but once again with me. Yes, I don't enjoy singing nothing but hymns. Yes, I struggle my way through the rehearsed nature of the "traditional" style of worship. Yes, I find myself going through motions far too often on Sunday mornings. However, these things should not prevent me from worshiping. I should not allow my likes and dislikes to determine whether or not I serve my God. I should not keep from connecting with Him, purely because "I don't know the song". It is in those moments that I must choose to close my eyes and listen with my heart. God had mercy on my this morning, and gave me comfort in a familiar and very need song to worship Him to, "How Deep the Father's Love For Us".
I will leave you with the words to ponder for yourself:
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son,
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searching loss,
The Father turns his face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory.
Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life,
I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything,
No gifts, no pow'rs, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ,
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.
(Stuart Townend)
Or if you prefer to listen
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