The Lonely Extravert

I am shy.

Okay, that is not entirely true. I have spent more of my life silent and observing, than socializing and engaging. I was so quiet in high school that even most of my teachers forgot my name and who I was once I finished their course. With the start of college I decided it was a great opportunity to "find the new me". I pushed myself to use my voice and not be a turtle, hiding every time I sensed tension in the air. I had previously had only a handful of friends, but then as I began to talk, I felt that number multiplying and I felt myself getting uncomfortable and backing away from the less close relationships. Unfortunately I probably missed out on really getting to know some wonderful people, all out of fear.
Today I realized that I have done it again.
Our time here at GCTS has been far from what we expected. The last year in particular was beyond trying. Now looking back, I see that I reverted back to my old, turtle-like ways and have hidden from friendships to protect myself. I have been defeated by fear. Fear of loneliness. Fear of the pain that comes from sharing your life with others. Fear of people seeing me, and knowing me. Fear of feeling.
I have let these fears defeat me and my ability to love others. I have allowed fear to control my life and my choices. I have invited fear to comfort me and guide me, to fill me up, to make me me...only not me, but some lesser version of who God intended me to be. And in return I have left little room for friends. Little room for loving relationships. Little room to feel joy, pain, rejoicing, anger or peace. Little room to be completely His.
I have numbed myself and my life, "feeling" and "being" in small increments that seem "comfortable" and "manageable". Being more concerned about perception and appearance, than reality and truth.

I need to change. I need to be molded and chiseled.

It will hurt. It will be excruciating. I will cry. I will wince in anguish. But I WILL FEEL.

I have the next year to get to know and love my family here at GCTS a little better. It overwhelms me to think about how I can impact and love others, just as it overwhelms me to consider how little I know My Father. LORD give me strength, peace and patience as I pursue you and your love, as I pursue your people and try to love them well.

I leave you with a couple of older songs that reflect our constant need for Him.