We greatly appreciate the entertainment you provided us (the two older girls and myself) on this fine rainy day, with your nifty remote control truck. It was way cool to see you move the giant arm to pick up and relocate large bundles of heavy duty construction supplies. And to have you so close made it even more exciting as we all watched you unload the truck from our living room window.
I know a little late, but I am posting these fabulous picks that my friend Ash took at Lizzie's party because they were too cute to resist. There are a ton more pics, but as I haven't asked parents for permission to post their kiddos on my blog, these will have to do!
I just wanted to take the time to put out a warning to parents out there. With the TV switch to digital you may find that, like us, you get different channels. Be aware that even without cable, a large purple dinosaur may appear around the time that you are taking a shower. Your children may be clueless as to who this figure is, at which point you may want to quickly change the channel and make up some lame reason for why they should not be watching him dance and sing.
It has been raining and pouring for weeks! And the 10 day forecast doesn't seem to show signs of relief from the strange display of mildew growing, mosquito multiplying, boredom inducing weather.
I am quickly running out of indoor activities to do with the girls. We have used up the following:
-3 glitter glue sticks -4 painting canvases -1/3 to 1/2 of the large bottles of tempura paint in blue, pink, red, white, black, green, orange, yellow and purple (what can I say, we have been painting A LOT) -6 batches (yes 6, I told you we were bored) of muffin supplies -dozens of Kumon book pages -2 coloring books worth of color pages -one 10 pack of roll out crayons -one pack of 10 markers -1/2 a pack of colored feathers -1/2 a pack of colored puffy balls -lots of glue and paste -TONS of "scratch paper" -4 pairs of men's socks (needed for pretending to be ice skating doggies on the kitchen floor)
Any ideas that you have to pass time inside when pretending, playing with toys, and watching movies just aren't cutting it anymore? Oh, and I should say ideas for a VERY limited budget. Since, yes, it would be fun to drive down to Florida and enjoy the sunshine, or fly to WA and visit family and friends (and maybe get some vitamin D), but we just can't manage that right now :-)
(Note: I really am needing suggestions, since I just let my two year old put baby oil all over her hair and body, simply because it kept her busy and wasn't dangerous). So, in conclusion, if you have sunlight where you are today, then please enjoy the blessings of the outdoors today, and think of us... stuck inside...in JULY!
So be patient with me as I allow my mind to sift through thoughts I have not allowed myself to consider for some time. My mind trying to breach the wall that I have built between my heart and my thoughts and so a wall between ME and YOU. It may be a slow and difficult journey and we may have some casualties, but I hope that we can all make it through together.
My previous post about my struggles barely touched on what is going on inside of me, so I thought I would take a bit to explain more clearly (as much as is possible for one to do when still wading through an endless sea of confused thoughts).
I have friends. I have great friends, and they are a HUGE blessing to me. I have a couple of close friends back home as well as some here at GCTS. They have been an encouragement and source of strength to me on more occasions than can be recalled by the human mind. And I believe that there have been times that I have been blessed to be able to encourage them as well. I love my friends and feel very loved by them.
I am still figuring things out, but I believe that my greatest obstacle right now, is me. I have avoided being truly honest with myself on so many levels, that in effect I have not been completely open and honest with YOU. And by "completely" I mean within the guidelines of a godly woman, and not "completely" in the sense of a lose lipped blab who can't seem to decipher what is wise to share and what isn't (and in case anyone is feeling the least bit defensive, no I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular).
I need to take the time to think and to exam where I am with God and with others. Have I REALLY spent time WITH God or am I just reading my Bible, think some words to Him, and writing a few simple thoughts into a book I call a journal? Have I REALLY thought about where I am with life and the situations I find myself in everyday? Have I REALLY shared my hearts desires, cries and fears with those God has put into my life? Have I allowed others into my world in a way that allows them the freedom to share their heart? Have I loved as Christ loves me?
Last night after sharing my scratching the surface thoughts, I pondered why those songs I shared have touched me so much. I began to question our choice of church here in New England and whether I was being negatively effected by the church style, as it is so different from what we have been used to back home. I was wrong.
This morning I allowed myself to engage in service, be-it-ever-so-slightly, and found that the problem wasn't with the church, but once again with me. Yes, I don't enjoy singing nothing but hymns. Yes, I struggle my way through the rehearsed nature of the "traditional" style of worship. Yes, I find myself going through motions far too often on Sunday mornings. However, these things should not prevent me from worshiping. I should not allow my likes and dislikes to determine whether or not I serve my God. I should not keep from connecting with Him, purely because "I don't know the song". It is in those moments that I must choose to close my eyes and listen with my heart. God had mercy on my this morning, and gave me comfort in a familiar and very need song to worship Him to, "How Deep the Father's Love For Us".
I will leave you with the words to ponder for yourself:
How deep the Father's love for us, How vast beyond all measure That He would give His only Son, To make a wretch His treasure How great the pain of searching loss, The Father turns his face away As wounds which mar the chosen One, Bring many sons to glory.
Behold the Man upon a cross, My sin upon His shoulders Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice, Call out among the scoffers It was my sin that held Him there Until it was accomplished His dying breath has brought me life, I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything, No gifts, no pow'rs, no wisdom But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer But this I know with all my heart His wounds have paid my ransom.
Okay, that is not entirely true. I have spent more of my life silent and observing, than socializing and engaging. I was so quiet in high school that even most of my teachers forgot my name and who I was once I finished their course. With the start of college I decided it was a great opportunity to "find the new me". I pushed myself to use my voice and not be a turtle, hiding every time I sensed tension in the air. I had previously had only a handful of friends, but then as I began to talk, I felt that number multiplying and I felt myself getting uncomfortable and backing away from the less close relationships. Unfortunately I probably missed out on really getting to know some wonderful people, all out of fear. Today I realized that I have done it again. Our time here at GCTS has been far from what we expected. The last year in particular was beyond trying. Now looking back, I see that I reverted back to my old, turtle-like ways and have hidden from friendships to protect myself. I have been defeated by fear. Fear of loneliness. Fear of the pain that comes from sharing your life with others. Fear of people seeing me, and knowing me. Fear of feeling. I have let these fears defeat me and my ability to love others. I have allowed fear to control my life and my choices. I have invited fear to comfort me and guide me, to fill me up, to make me me...only not me, but some lesser version of who God intended me to be. And in return I have left little room for friends. Little room for loving relationships. Little room to feel joy, pain, rejoicing, anger or peace. Little room to be completely His. I have numbed myself and my life, "feeling" and "being" in small increments that seem "comfortable" and "manageable". Being more concerned about perception and appearance, than reality and truth.
I need to change. I need to be molded and chiseled.
It will hurt. It will be excruciating. I will cry. I will wince in anguish. But I WILL FEEL.
I have the next year to get to know and love my family here at GCTS a little better. It overwhelms me to think about how I can impact and love others, just as it overwhelms me to consider how little I know My Father. LORD give me strength, peace and patience as I pursue you and your love, as I pursue your people and try to love them well.
I leave you with a couple of older songs that reflect our constant need for Him.
