Ah Memories

I grew up sharing a bathroom with my sister and brother. This often lent itself to some "discussions" on bathroom etiquette. This evening events transpired that brought be back in time:

(Lately Lizzie has been going to the bathroom on her own, without Daddy or Mommy's help. It is great for us, but there is still much for her to learn. This evening was no different.)

Shortly after Lizzie went in to go potty I heard a shout, "MOMMY...HELP!!!!" I rushed in to find that she had decided to forgo the princess seat that sits on the "big potty" and was now sitting in 3 inches of toilet water, legs flailing in the air as she tried to lift herself out of the toilet. I couldn't help but laugh as pull her from her plight, remembering my own moments (yes it happened more than once) of sitting in the toilet and not on the toilet, because I hadn't looked to see that the lid was still up.

Hopefully she will learn from her mistake and not repeat it in the future. If not, I may have to get the camera :-)

Eyes

Tonight during dinner time prayer...

Lizzie: Ellie, close your eyes!

I'll let that one sink in for a moment.

Immune

Me: (having just taken a bunch of vitamin C) I just boosted my immune system. Lizzie, can you say 'immune'?

Lizzie: No. That's a big word.

Me: **much laughter**

Lizzie: That's not funny.

Praise the LORD!!!

Today was a day of blessings.

First, the church Women's Bible Study began this morning. It was great. And best of all, not a single person in my group has anything to do with the seminary. That means I am going to be able to get to know 7 other godly women from the area. I am so excited!

Second, Allen had his back appointment today and the neurosurgeon is awesome. He is very old school in manner and style. He is an older gentleman who you can tell has been in the back business for quite some time. He said that surgery is an option, but that it is up to Allen when and if it will happen. He asked what Allen's calendar looked like and Allen told him school just started. As soon as he heard that he said, "Oh no, let's not do surgery for awhile then. Why don't we see about trying a shot of cortisone?" He then explained that it has many different out comes, but generally can buy some time before needing to consider surgery. So, that is the plan. In the next couple weeks Allen will get the shot of cortisone and then we will wait and see from there.

Finally, Allen got another job! He has 12 hours with the IT department on campus, and now will get another 10-15 hours working for a professor doing a variety of administrative assistant type jobs. It should be a great opportunity to get a look behind the scenes.

Thanks for your prayers.

Life

This month a Bible Study friend of mine, Mandy, has been DOing a themed set of postings about DOing something as Christians.

I was excited at the idea, but once I began thinking about it I felt saddened. What can I possibly DO? I am a nauseated pregnant mother of 2 1/2, with a husband whose back is falling apart while he attempts seminary and working to provide for us, all the while I'm trying to process my mom's recently diagnosed pancreatic cancer (and breast cancer, but unrelated to the pancreatic cancer). Who can I give to when there is nothing left to give?

Then I was reminded of the words of another Bible Study Sister, Rachel. She pointed out one Tuesday evening that in II Corinthians 12:9 it says, "But he said, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (Today's NIV). This means in essence that we need to be weak for His power to be made perfect and His grace to take over. (Sorry Rachel if I botched this).

That means then that this is where God wants me, so that He can DO, through me.

Today Mandy (who I mentioned at the beginning of this post) linked to a woman who has challenge me to DO SOMETHING.

So what am I going to DO? Right now, I am going to be as real and vulnerable as one can be on a blog that all of one's friends and family and some strangers read.

So be patient as this weak vessel tries to let God Do His thing.

Here is my heart:

I'm a bottled up dreamer who has stifled her dreams for the sake of practicality. "I want too much", I tell myself again and again when new dreams arise or old ones resurface. But I would trade all those dreams for a new reality. A reality where I wasn't 3,000 miles from home while my mom is fighting one of the most evil things on this planet. A reality where 49 year old healthy women aren't told that they could be in heaven in the next few years. A reality where my children would know the healthy, lively and energetic Nana they were suppose to have, and not the one whose body is being hijacked by mutant cells.

Now I have new dreams. Dreams of miracle cancer cures and my mom getting to see Lizzie go to her first day of school. Dreams of doctors shaking theirs heads in disbelief that the cancer is gone, when they can't explain why. Dreams that, in the reality of this world, seem just that... dreams, but the dreams which I have prayed for harder than any of my own stifled dreams from the past, present and probably most that I may have yet to dream.

I am trying to process life.
I am trying to process death.
I am trying to understand the fuzzy area before the first ends and the second begins.

I don't know how.

I have dealt with death again and again in my life, but not like this. I have said goodbye to grandparents, elderly friends, even a young cousin, but every time was vastly different from this situation. I have been able to cope with watching an older loved one die, knowing they had lived a full and complete life. I have watch loved ones die from their own poor choices. I have had the shocking feeling of mourning a life ended young due to war.

But I have never had to try and prepare myself for the loss of one so close, while still trying to hold on to hope for a cure that would make the preparations pointless. How do you balance? How do you not give up on life and still be emotionally prepare for the possibility of death? And how do you explain to a small child things that even your own heart and mind cannot reconcile?

I know God is bigger than the evils of this world. I know He is gracious. I know He is merciful. I know He is kind. But I also know that He does all things for the good of those that love Him (Rom. 8:28), and my version of "good", may not look like His. And guess what, His "good" is better.

But I am scared. I am scared that He hears my prayers and is saying, "trust me". I am scared for what it might mean to truly trust Him. But I have to do it. I have to have faith that the King of Kings and Lord of Lords has more knowledge, wisdom, power and might than all the doctors of this Earth combined. I have to believe that He is in control, not the team that are forever changing their minds on what is going to happen to treat my mom. I have to trust with all that I am that in the end, His will is going to be DOne.

So what am I DOing. Praying, trusting and waiting.

What are you DOing?

Ironies

Today was full of irony.

Things like the midwife needing me to get my thyroid levels tested at the lab that closes at 4:30pm, and Allen getting off work (with the car) at ...dah, dah, dah-dah...4:30. So I will be doing that tomorrow.

Or the fact that despite our wet summer, the past few weeks have been gorgeous. Which isn't the irony, just wait. Every year the seminary holds an all campus family Clamfest, where all of the students and families come together to eat dinner as one. The thousands gathered last year and were shower with loving service of the professors and staff who stood out in the POURING (we are talking flood inducing) rains serving each person their food. We have assumed that with the current nice weather trend, this year would be nicer. Then I found this. Do you think it is God's humor coming out? :-)

Finally, today while stuck indoors on a beautiful day, due to some disobedient girls that lost the priviledge of the outdoors (which definitely hurt me more than them, let me tell you), I did some Facebook updating.
For kicks and giggles I click on the scroll option that said I was a "CHRISTIAN-Amish". Then I had to laugh. Think for a minute about the reality of having that as an option on Facebook.

Got it?

In case it hasn't clicked yet, Amish don't do modern technology, so what Amish person is going to have Facebook?

Anyhow, thought I would share some laughs from my day.

IT an stuff

So, Monday Allen went to an interview and was hired for a part time position (12 hours a week) doing IT for the seminary (thanks Scott for all your help in encouraging this to come to fruition).

Today marks the first day of work at his new job.

Typically he will be working 4 hour shifts, but today will be a real people shift of 8 hours, so pray for Allen.

Pray for him not to feel nervous and that he would pick up everything quickly.

And pray for me as I am left to care for the girls alone during part of their grandparent rehab, while not feeling up to par.

Also, be praying for another small part time job to work well with this position. Allen has applied for 3 that might work, but is doing the waiting thing for all 3.

Ultrasound #1 for Kiddo #3

Yesterday I had a dating ultrasound.

I got to see the heart beat (at 176 beats per minute, which apparently is right as it should be for such a wee one).

I also got to see just how huge my bladder can look when at full capacity (they make you drink 32 oz of water an hour before, so you can imagine just what I mean).

Finally the tech measured our littlest one and said that as of yesterday we are 8 weeks and 2 days along in the process.

That means that as of today we have 221 days until the due date, April 5th, 2009.
That is 31 weeks and 4 days, or just over 7 months to go.

Stay tuned. A pool will begin shortly after we have had time to make up the rules, etc.

Chemo

So my mom saw the Oncologist last week (a chemotherapy doctor) and then a day later, met with an Oncology surgeon, and two days after that a radiation doc.

They almost certainly won't be able to do surgery, because the tumor has completely (like 360 degrees around) encased the major vein running through her pancreas.

However, they are hoping that chemotherapy will be able to shrink the tumor. Chemo starts tomorrow and will be every Friday for 3 weeks in a row. After the 3 weeks are done they will do another CT to see if the cancer has responded even minimally.

If it does then they will start radiation together with more chemo. This will make my mom REALLY REALLY REALLY sick. However, if they can't do the radiation then the options from there are extremely limited.

Please pray that the cancer shrinks in the coming weeks, so that they can do radiation. Also, pray for my mom's strength and peace to continue. And pray for strength and peace for my dad as well. It is tough on everyone, but they are carrying the biggest load.

Please, pray for wisdom too for the doctors as they make their decisions.

Vermont

Vermont is way prettier than I imagined. Lots and lots of green. And gorgeous rivers that have just enough white water to know they're moving, but not enough to make you think to get a raft and go for a ride. Bob Ross would have had a field day with the inspiration from that place.

Fun trip. Bit hard due to back issues and not some of the best paved roads in the country, but we still did have a great time.

Hit the Vermont Teddy Bear factory. Very cool. Each of the girls got one of the smaller (read: not crazy expensive) teddy bears from Ma and Pa. Lizzie named hers Heart. Ellie named hers Mine. Yep. :-)

Then we hit the Ben and Jerry's factory. Super impressed. The Flavor Graveyard behind the factory was hilarious. And the free sample of Cake Batter ice cream was very tasty and über rich. I don't think I could handle much more than that little sample size.

This morning we ate at the Farmer's Diner. From their mission statement:

The concept behind The Farmers Diner is simple. We are shortening the road from the farm field to the diner plate. The current commercial food system is a mess. The Farmers Diner follows a simple design: buy great ingredients directly from area farmers and prepare great meals for local customers. Vermonters should eat Vermont raised foods-this creates security and health-healthy economies, healthy communities, healthy bodies.

And boy does it taste fresh. You walk in and they've got a map where each of the products come from (eggs come from this farm, nuts/granola come from this farm, etc.). Each individual item didn't necessarily stick out as "Oh my gosh, this is amazing!" (well, the pancakes we're really good), but put together, the best breakfast I've had.

And we're all glad to be back at home. In our own beds. Well, for the time being. Steph and I bought a new bed today. See: my back issues and Steph's pregnancy. :-)