Life

This month a Bible Study friend of mine, Mandy, has been DOing a themed set of postings about DOing something as Christians.

I was excited at the idea, but once I began thinking about it I felt saddened. What can I possibly DO? I am a nauseated pregnant mother of 2 1/2, with a husband whose back is falling apart while he attempts seminary and working to provide for us, all the while I'm trying to process my mom's recently diagnosed pancreatic cancer (and breast cancer, but unrelated to the pancreatic cancer). Who can I give to when there is nothing left to give?

Then I was reminded of the words of another Bible Study Sister, Rachel. She pointed out one Tuesday evening that in II Corinthians 12:9 it says, "But he said, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (Today's NIV). This means in essence that we need to be weak for His power to be made perfect and His grace to take over. (Sorry Rachel if I botched this).

That means then that this is where God wants me, so that He can DO, through me.

Today Mandy (who I mentioned at the beginning of this post) linked to a woman who has challenge me to DO SOMETHING.

So what am I going to DO? Right now, I am going to be as real and vulnerable as one can be on a blog that all of one's friends and family and some strangers read.

So be patient as this weak vessel tries to let God Do His thing.

Here is my heart:

I'm a bottled up dreamer who has stifled her dreams for the sake of practicality. "I want too much", I tell myself again and again when new dreams arise or old ones resurface. But I would trade all those dreams for a new reality. A reality where I wasn't 3,000 miles from home while my mom is fighting one of the most evil things on this planet. A reality where 49 year old healthy women aren't told that they could be in heaven in the next few years. A reality where my children would know the healthy, lively and energetic Nana they were suppose to have, and not the one whose body is being hijacked by mutant cells.

Now I have new dreams. Dreams of miracle cancer cures and my mom getting to see Lizzie go to her first day of school. Dreams of doctors shaking theirs heads in disbelief that the cancer is gone, when they can't explain why. Dreams that, in the reality of this world, seem just that... dreams, but the dreams which I have prayed for harder than any of my own stifled dreams from the past, present and probably most that I may have yet to dream.

I am trying to process life.
I am trying to process death.
I am trying to understand the fuzzy area before the first ends and the second begins.

I don't know how.

I have dealt with death again and again in my life, but not like this. I have said goodbye to grandparents, elderly friends, even a young cousin, but every time was vastly different from this situation. I have been able to cope with watching an older loved one die, knowing they had lived a full and complete life. I have watch loved ones die from their own poor choices. I have had the shocking feeling of mourning a life ended young due to war.

But I have never had to try and prepare myself for the loss of one so close, while still trying to hold on to hope for a cure that would make the preparations pointless. How do you balance? How do you not give up on life and still be emotionally prepare for the possibility of death? And how do you explain to a small child things that even your own heart and mind cannot reconcile?

I know God is bigger than the evils of this world. I know He is gracious. I know He is merciful. I know He is kind. But I also know that He does all things for the good of those that love Him (Rom. 8:28), and my version of "good", may not look like His. And guess what, His "good" is better.

But I am scared. I am scared that He hears my prayers and is saying, "trust me". I am scared for what it might mean to truly trust Him. But I have to do it. I have to have faith that the King of Kings and Lord of Lords has more knowledge, wisdom, power and might than all the doctors of this Earth combined. I have to believe that He is in control, not the team that are forever changing their minds on what is going to happen to treat my mom. I have to trust with all that I am that in the end, His will is going to be DOne.

So what am I DOing. Praying, trusting and waiting.

What are you DOing?